Here's what I don't understand about me: EVERYTHING!
I'm a train wreck trying to juggle knives while drinking lemonade upside down balanced on a rubber ball moving uphill in every direction. One slip-up and its curtains! Yet, I go on. I get out of bed every day and head to a job I don't understand or like and I'm happy to do it since it gets me out of a house that I can't bear to give up but can't stand to be in.
I can never just "be".
That brief sentence sums up my entire existence. I would say that it is a passing phase but I have felt this way 24/7 for at least the last 3 to 4 years. It has gotten so bad that I spend my days quoting & relating to song lyrics, TV/movie quotes and passages in books. I never claim ownership of the material I use but I don't always disclose the source or announce that a source was used. Lately I'm convinced that every song was written with me in mind somehow. It's not always a painful lyric, sometimes it's fun or sexy but I just think it's twisted that I've become so separated from my true reality that I'm living this secret life and enjoying it much more than I ever enjoyed my real life.
If you find something very profound in my writings, chances are good that it's not mine. However, I do experience moments of brilliance so don't count me out completely. My writings really seem to spill effortlessly when I'm full of angst and it's a fresh hurt. I could write for hours on end when I'm wounded. These moments tend to only occur when I cannot write, of course. So next able opportunity, I try to recall the feelings of injustice and translate it to written word but it never holds its power and I end up hitting 'delete' and not posting anything at all.
I beat myself up over this all the time. I want to write. I want the confidence to write and not give a fuck what anyone thinks. I want total strangers to read what I post and comment on it. I want someone to pretend to understand this complex, contradictory, insecure person I have helplessly watched myself become. If I'm crazy but self-aware that I'm crazy, am I still crazy? If I try to contain my numerous neuroses to only derail my own mental stability, am I still considered high-maintenance?
I'm told I come off as a loner and I like this perception that people seem to have of me. But, why? Why do they think this about me? I do put off the "I don't give a shit about other people" vibe and for the most part that's true but it's not like it's in some gamma-ray form and every time I blink I ostracize another human from my life.
I'll let you in on a secret though,…show me a loner and I'll show you a person who has tried to put herself out there on numerous occasions only to continually be disappointed by people and her own inability to conform or blend. No one really wants to be alone or be a loner but sometimes it becomes necessary for self-preservation even if you are not sure what self needs to be preserved.
Here are the "Me's" that currently co-exist in my forefront and are at war with each other:
Spouse: I have been with you for half my life now and allowed you to make me a passenger on your path into nothingness. I have allowed you almost complete control. I no longer enjoy this role. The times are no longer measured in bad or good, just as time. That is not enough for me anymore. You see my new outlook as proof of some imagined indiscretion or affair. Just another reason for you to irrationally justify your lack of trust or discouragement of friendships. What has happened is that I have grown up and realized I want more for myself and child than you care to strive for. Every time I decide I have had enough, I let you convince me otherwise. You know me too well. You know that I cannot bear to "talk through" things with you since it is and always will be the same argument no matter the starting point. I do not like to repeat myself. In order to make the conflict go away, I cave. Every time. You know this, you depend on this. This is your glue right now. It's all you have over me anymore. Any other man would let me go or walk away himself but not you. You have it too good. When's the last time we depended on you? I think our marriage is coming to a close and you will never admit defeat. As the breadwinner of the family, I still have convinced myself that I can't do it on my own. In reality, it will not be pleasant for me or my child but I am already managing the financial aspect alone. I bear the burden of the steady paycheck, the healthcare, the retirement plan. I do not want to give up my home. This is what has kept me with you to this point. I now realize that in order to save myself and our child, I will have to make extreme materialistic sacrifices to get away from you. I am not sure when or how this will happen but I do know its coming. Even I have a breaking point and I am already shattered. It will not take much for the implosion. I think I just recently proved that to you.
Friend: I am a special kind of friend. If you have read previous postings or can reach logical conclusions as to what I say in the paragraph above, you will know that I am not the friend you call to hang out with. I am not the friend that comes to Happy Hours or parties. I will gladly meet and or enjoy your family & friends but I do not want to be a group friend. Sex and the City is just a show. Those people don't really exist; they just like to think that they do. Our relationship will be odd and only a true friend can maintain a friendship with me. It is not easy. It will almost seem like an affair. As if we are sneaking around to speak to each other. Some of my friends will be around for life yet I have never met them in person and have no intention of doing so (and no, they are not people I met online). As a friend, I am a shoulder. I am a vault. I will not sugarcoat things and I will not back down. If you ask my opinion, you will get it. I am honest to a fault. But as my friend, you can do no wrong in my eyes. As long as you are not punching babies in the face for fun (this visual scenario, courtesy of a friend), I will support you in every way. I will not agree with you or sympathize with you just to spare your feelings. If you are doing something wrong, I will voice my concerns but in the end, I will be on your side. As my friend you will find that I can speak at length on almost any subject but not in a better-than-you way. I am just as enthusiastic to learn from your experiences as to tell you about my own. But beware, to this day I have never fully opened up to another human. If you gather the maybe 5 friends I have trusted the most over my life so far, you will still not have a complete picture of me. I just can't. I'm sorry. You are free to opine on any information that I disclose and you can glean quite a bit of information for the things that I do not disclose but never ask for information that I did not offer. I will shut down and hide away in myself. It's what I know. It's what I do. If I consider you more than an acquaintance or pseudo-friend, then I love you completely and unconditionally. I need the same in return.
I do believe in unconditional love. Not in a marriage, not as a parent, not as a daughter, not as a sister but as a friend. I am just now beginning to understand the necessity in my life for friends. I am so glad the few friendships I have bothered to cultivate are still growing. I expect over the next few months or years I will be asking a lot of these relationships as I will just be learning what it means to be free but still having limits. Please stay with me on my journey.
I could go on and on for days but my freedom is coming to a close so now I go home and face the battle that lay ahead. During my writings today, something came up on the home front. It is a bridge I have crossed many times before. I really thought I was past this issue. Why am I such a fool to believe that people can change if they want to? I don't think that's true. Prove me wrong. I believe the best in people who I know are inherently bad. I give everyone the benefit of the doubt. It takes a lot to run out of chances with me. Knowing all this, why do I constantly forget that "good guys finish last"?
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