Well, hello there! Where have I been you ask? I've been growing a set! In January I finally had built up enough testicular fortitude (so to speak) to leave my husband. I hated him. I had for years. I was property. I was controlled. I was the provider. Forced to believe his beliefs. Live his lies. Make excuses for him. Betray trusts & friendships to try to maximize the benefits to him of schemes or games. There was nothing there anymore but he would never let me leave. He didn't even like me anymore. He couldn't stand to be in the same room with me yet his ego would not allow him to let me walk away. He sees it as some sort of failure on his part to own me and it is a major insubordination to this day. He was and is still evil & bitter that his free ride is over & he has no control over me anymore. Now he has to work & retrain a new someone.
I could talk for days about the games he has played, the torture he has inflicted, the money he has cost me, the mental toll, the stress, the property he has stolen & sold or destroyed. I am still watched & stalked so he can feel he knows what I'm up to. He's sure there was/is someone else (not true). To the point he rented a place just blocks from me. There are some things that should be illegal in a contested dissolution of marriage such as this. For all intents and purposes I am no longer a spouse but a victim.
But worse than that, the
irreparable mental & emotional damage he has done & continues to do to our daughter. I just wanted out. I have played by the rules and time & time again things are going in my favor. That's not to say I'm winning. There are no winners and I have lost so much. If I had known at the beginning how badly he wanted & has succeeded in
damaging my relationship with my child, I don't know if I would have had the courage to walk away.
I have custody. I have the home that I have always paid for, along with every joint bill that was always around. I still have to pay for his health insurance and auto insurance to protect myself. I don't complain to my child. I don't bring her in to any conversation. He continues to have inappropriate
discussions with her or talks poorly & untruthfully about me. He is on his fifth 'new mom' for her. I have yet to introduce her to anyone (there is no one) even my male friends. And I wouldn't. For a long time. He quizzes her about my comings & goings. He calls or texts her constantly even while she is in school. She reports all of our conversations. He prompts her to question me about things then she reports my answers back to him. He twists & spins everything I say to her until it sounds like
Conspiracy Theory-level
propaganda that she eats up. He buys her bright & shiny objects to win her favor. She has no rules when she is with him. She doesn't believe he physically harmed me (which is how I finally was able to force him out of my home 4 months after the date of
separation). She is 90% in his corner. I do still have moments with her and catch glimpses of the daughter that I have always raised to know right from wrong and to be a good person no matter what. I carry on now strictly for those brief moments.
I don't try to sway her. I have to let her figure out for herself who is acting like a parent. I pray one day she will realize that mainly I did this for her. The older she got, the more I saw him exerting the same
tactics on her that he did to get control of me. Every nice action on his part comes at such a high price. You're not even aware how high until you try to have your own opinion or basic rights.
All I can do, all I know to do is continue to tell her: 'I love you so much that I'm allowing you to hate me'.
Am I doing right by her in this? I don't know. I hope so. It may be months, or even years before she can see beyond her own
new found greed for material things and excessive liberties but I have to stay true to what I am sure is the proper way to behave as a good human being.
I'm beyond stating the obvious to her or proving him wrong or reminding her of her own fear of him just a few short months ago. She believes what is most beneficial to her right now. She's confused and being spoiled with attention from him that has never been available to her before. Who am I to take that away from her when she has obviously been craving it.
If you are a spouse that dreams of breaking away from a marriage you don't want to be in, no matter the obstacle or reason...just know that despite all the pain and drama and saga and heartache that I have gone through & continue to experience to gain my freedom....I have NEVER been happier. This was a 13+ year marriage. I did not make this decision overnight and I told no one of my problems behind closed doors. The shock & awe wave is still ongoing. Some are skeptcial, others now see the old me they knew before I was married. The ones you need in your life will always be there even if you fell away from them. You are entitled to your own life. Whether you stay or go, I believe in you. I had to learn to believe in myself and I'm so glad I did. I AM worthy. I DO have value.
On the other side of that is the spouse being left: All I'm saying is that if you are the ousted spouse and you are reading this, please realize that every mean word or action on your part has a Butterfly Effect that will be felt in someones heart & mind for far longer than you feel anger about the situation. Please just be human. A person's free will is exactly that. A child is not a pawn. A child is not to be used as your spy. A child should never be a messenger or questioned about the other home life. It's enough of an adjustment on them as it is. Your respectful silence can speak volumes in such a sensitive matter as divorce.
