When Gnomes Attack

I didn't have time to write yesterday and I don't have alot of time today so I will just ponder a little. Feel free to remind me of horrors that may not have kept me awake yet....

Does anyone else out there wonder if those creepy little yard gnomes come alive at night and peek in your windows? They must. Those strange noises we hear can't always be branches hitting the window or the house "settling"!

What else could they possibly be smiling all day about if they are not spending their evening watching you do things you only do when you think you're alone?

When Toy Story came out everyone thought it was so cute and it really was a great movie but also very disturbing.

Think about it: you're sleeping and you're toys are plotting an attack. For now they are warring against the neighbors toys but what happens when you throw away one of their best friends?

What happens if they call a truce with the neighbor toys and decide to mutiny?

Where does that leave us?

(Insert random Jason Mraz-ism here) What if the one curly fry in the box of the regular is living in the fast food bag making friends with the ketchup and salt?

And don't get me started on trees! We've all seen Poltergeist and that killed a generations affection for clowns with good reason but did the colleges see a drop in enrollment for degrees in Horticultural or Arborist studies?

My "real" fear is not that odd. I'm afraid of Palmetto bugs. I'm not overly girly in my fear of bugs, I mean, I don't like them but usually I ignore them like they ignore me. I may cower and whine if it's a hurty-me bug but I don't lose it. Not so with the Palmetto. There are several varieties of this disgusting creature, some fly, some hiss, some spit, some shoot deadly darts from the freaky hairs on their oddly muscular legs (I'm almost positive this is true) & some click but all are BIG & UGLY and MEAN looking. They are not regular roaches. Your exterminator will even tell you that you will still see some no matter how much he sprays. They come indoors after a hard rain or a really humid day. They will be dying from the poison but it takes forever and this whole time I think they are looking for me. My fear of them is so paralyzing that even a dead one sends me running. You would think I would easily be able to grab a shoe and squash it and go about my business but noooooo.....I can't even kill them. You know why? They CRUNCH!! I can't deal with the noise. Just the other night everyone was asleep and I was quietly reading and I heard "it". The fact that you can HEAR them walking on walls or a floor and instantly know what it is is terrifying!

Usually I would scream bloody murder until my spouse or child came to save me but at this hour they would be angry and probably throw the invader at me just for shits & giggles. They do that sort of crap all the time.

So I kept my eyes and ears peeled til I spotted the dragon sized bug casually hanging out above the doorway. I watched for what seemed like hours and the fucker was not moving. He's got me trapped in my living room. I can't risk running thru the door right under where he is loitering cuz I just know that's what he wants me to do. Then he will POUNCE on me and touch me and be on me and oh my god!!! ....yuck yuck yuck...

I can't even talk about this anymore! Let's move on....

We hear about people with phobias that sound so bizarre to us but I'm sure that each and every one of them is the result of a bad experience. Let's take a look at some, all we can really do is say "What the French, Toast?!" and move on:

• Aulophobia- Fear of flutes (I have no comment)
• Barophobia- Fear of gravity (Is there another option?)
• Chaetophobia- Fear of hair (I actually suffer from a mild version of this, long story..)
• Dendrophobia- Fear of trees (Blame Poltergist)
• Epistemophobia- Fear of knowledge (I know these people!)
• Gnosiophobia- Fear of knowledge (There's 2 names for this one cuz these guys named themselves and were too scared to learn that there was already a name for it)
• Helmintophobia- Fear of being infested with worms (This just seems like common sense to have. I'm guilty for sure!!)
• Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia- Fear of long words (Surely this is just a cruel joke, right?)
• Levophobia- Fear of objects to the left side of the body (This explains why Zoolander couldn't go left)
• Ophthalmophobia- Fear of opening one’s eyes
• Panophobia- Fear of everything
• Phobophobia- Fear of fear

Where is Home?

Cornbread & Buttermilk in an ice cold glass! Pure Bliss. I'm sure this sounds odd to most but for me, it takes me straight into a time warp right back to my childhood. Since I come from a broken home, as a child that resulted in a very nomadic life for my sister and I, but all within a 30 mile radius on Planet Alabama. Between my mother's family, father's family & stepmother's family, aunts, uncles, cousins and family friends we never tired of our scenery since we spent so much time at so many homes. No matter where I lived or slept, home base was always my great-grandparents house. Even though my great-grandmother has been gone for over 20 years and my great-grandfather is trapped in his own mind living in a nursing home, I still consider this the only true home I have ever known. My great-grandmother always was and always will be the most influential person in my life. There is not a day that passes that I don't think of her and wonder what she thinks of me and the decisions I have made in my life. I still cry for her. I own a great home but it's in a town I have never considered mine. Although I have been here for 20 years I still don't feel as if this is where I belong. I even still feel a strong resentment towards my mother for the selfish reasons she brought us here. It's a buried and diluted feeling since I try to balance it with the fact that I would not know the people I know and love now and I wouldn't have my child, but it's there. If we had stayed, I might have a child but it wouldn't be the one I have now and this Sweet Child o' Mine is my reason for living most days. Over these years, I would spend every school break & summers doing my Alabama shuffle and this is when I felt alive. During my turbulent early teen years, I spent a year living with family there. Even now, every vacation or 3 day weekend I try to make my way home. Time has not been kind to my extended family. Divorce, death, marriages, bad decisions, and moves have caused a greater distance between us than just miles. I try to do my part to stay involved with everyone even if it is just once every few years. My love for these people has never wavered and I hope theirs for me hasn't either. I know that most people want to go home or revisit their childhoods. Some of the places on my "home map" have changed so much over the years that I don't recognize them or feel a connection anymore but my memories remain and that will have to be enough. I don't really know where I'm going with this post or where I wanted to go. I'm not happy with it. I don't feel good about it. I don't know what you can take from it. I have so much I want to say and could say. I don't know where to start or how to make you appreciate the complicated yet simplistic dynamics of my humble beginnings. All I can say is that I am the result of 40-50 people that had a hand in my upbringing and I wouldn't change that for the world.