When Gnomes Attack

I didn't have time to write yesterday and I don't have alot of time today so I will just ponder a little. Feel free to remind me of horrors that may not have kept me awake yet....

Does anyone else out there wonder if those creepy little yard gnomes come alive at night and peek in your windows? They must. Those strange noises we hear can't always be branches hitting the window or the house "settling"!

What else could they possibly be smiling all day about if they are not spending their evening watching you do things you only do when you think you're alone?

When Toy Story came out everyone thought it was so cute and it really was a great movie but also very disturbing.

Think about it: you're sleeping and you're toys are plotting an attack. For now they are warring against the neighbors toys but what happens when you throw away one of their best friends?

What happens if they call a truce with the neighbor toys and decide to mutiny?

Where does that leave us?

(Insert random Jason Mraz-ism here) What if the one curly fry in the box of the regular is living in the fast food bag making friends with the ketchup and salt?

And don't get me started on trees! We've all seen Poltergeist and that killed a generations affection for clowns with good reason but did the colleges see a drop in enrollment for degrees in Horticultural or Arborist studies?

My "real" fear is not that odd. I'm afraid of Palmetto bugs. I'm not overly girly in my fear of bugs, I mean, I don't like them but usually I ignore them like they ignore me. I may cower and whine if it's a hurty-me bug but I don't lose it. Not so with the Palmetto. There are several varieties of this disgusting creature, some fly, some hiss, some spit, some shoot deadly darts from the freaky hairs on their oddly muscular legs (I'm almost positive this is true) & some click but all are BIG & UGLY and MEAN looking. They are not regular roaches. Your exterminator will even tell you that you will still see some no matter how much he sprays. They come indoors after a hard rain or a really humid day. They will be dying from the poison but it takes forever and this whole time I think they are looking for me. My fear of them is so paralyzing that even a dead one sends me running. You would think I would easily be able to grab a shoe and squash it and go about my business but noooooo.....I can't even kill them. You know why? They CRUNCH!! I can't deal with the noise. Just the other night everyone was asleep and I was quietly reading and I heard "it". The fact that you can HEAR them walking on walls or a floor and instantly know what it is is terrifying!

Usually I would scream bloody murder until my spouse or child came to save me but at this hour they would be angry and probably throw the invader at me just for shits & giggles. They do that sort of crap all the time.

So I kept my eyes and ears peeled til I spotted the dragon sized bug casually hanging out above the doorway. I watched for what seemed like hours and the fucker was not moving. He's got me trapped in my living room. I can't risk running thru the door right under where he is loitering cuz I just know that's what he wants me to do. Then he will POUNCE on me and touch me and be on me and oh my god!!! ....yuck yuck yuck...

I can't even talk about this anymore! Let's move on....

We hear about people with phobias that sound so bizarre to us but I'm sure that each and every one of them is the result of a bad experience. Let's take a look at some, all we can really do is say "What the French, Toast?!" and move on:

• Aulophobia- Fear of flutes (I have no comment)
• Barophobia- Fear of gravity (Is there another option?)
• Chaetophobia- Fear of hair (I actually suffer from a mild version of this, long story..)
• Dendrophobia- Fear of trees (Blame Poltergist)
• Epistemophobia- Fear of knowledge (I know these people!)
• Gnosiophobia- Fear of knowledge (There's 2 names for this one cuz these guys named themselves and were too scared to learn that there was already a name for it)
• Helmintophobia- Fear of being infested with worms (This just seems like common sense to have. I'm guilty for sure!!)
• Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia- Fear of long words (Surely this is just a cruel joke, right?)
• Levophobia- Fear of objects to the left side of the body (This explains why Zoolander couldn't go left)
• Ophthalmophobia- Fear of opening one’s eyes
• Panophobia- Fear of everything
• Phobophobia- Fear of fear